I was reflecting on how one of the motivators behind being a therapist was and is the desire to be a safe place for people. I know this may be obvious, but for some reason it took me by surprise, when I realized God is my safe space. Maybe because I have lived so long doubting my ability to fully trust Him and even now, I would like to say I fully do, but it’s met with hesitation. I know He holds me safe so why do I have this self-protected armor over my heart? I asked Him this morning to break down those self-created walls, knowing that at one time they served me well but I don’t need them anymore. My heart softens when I believe that I can trust Him alone to protect me, to be my strength and shield.
When I asked myself what will I choose to trust God with today? I answered it, with the pruning shears. Then came the tightening of my chest.
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the Gardener.
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit,
while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
Remain in Me, as I also remain in you.
No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.
I am the vine; you are the branches.
If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit;
apart from Me you can do nothing.”
John 15:1-5
I am not the gardener and I wouldn’t trust myself to be anyway. I prefer Him to be the one with the scissors. The idea of cutting away the dead branches sounds refreshing and I can welcome that. What Is more uncomfortable to me is the next part. I don’t think I’ve ever meditated on that verse, “while every branch that DOES bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” I am a black and white thinker, all-or-nothing, which is very frustrating at times. Seeing things as good or bad, right or wrong, makes it easy to determine what needs to go and what should stay. This idea of a branch bearing fruit being pruned is like, oh this area of my life IS good or there are good aspects of it, but You are going to prune it? That makes me nervous. I think because of the confusion, it challenges my all-or-nothing thinking. This idea that He will prune something that isn’t “bad”.
I want to bear more fruit, be more fruitful, so I should allow this to happen. I want to close my eyes, give Him the shears and open my eyes when He is done. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. I have always had a queasy stomach when it came to medical procedures and I am experiencing this similarly.
It’s interesting how, when I remove myself from a situation, a relationship, a habit or an experience, for a long enough period of time, I see it more clearly. I think we should always take time to re-evaluate, to look objectively at decisions and the ways we are living, to ask ourselves, why are you doing that? What’s the desire or motivation behind that decision?
I have been taking it deeper this week. Removing myself from each experience, seeing Kristen and asking myself, as the observer, how old is that part of me? What does she feel? What does she need?
These questions are met with deeper truths, realizations and insights. They’ve led me back to therapy, which as a therapist, I forget how nice it is to be on the other chair. It also keeps me humble, which can I say, I love the experience of humility. It keeps me knelt down, head bowed, at the feet of the Lord. I want to be like Mary, pouring out everything, with a tender heart.
Pruning can be painful but it’s followed by budding and I am excited to see the Lord’s Garden bloom.