I felt led to fast again. I realized my last fast was more out of obedience and obligation versus genuine dedication. My focus this time was on God’s will. He never answers in ways we expect. He wanted me to go away with Him, on an anniversary trip, to remember my wedding day, my baptism. What it’s like to be fully with Him, away from distractions. How could I say no? So alluring and intimate. He knows me well enough that if I am home, I will stay busy and not be still, not strive.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will guide you with My eye. Do not be like the horse or like the mule which have no understanding.“ Psalm 32:8
Have I been a horse? Running ahead of God, thinking I know what His will is?
Hmm time for a dose of humility.
As I traveled to my destination, I listened to a teaching from one of my favorite church’s, Bridgetown in Portland. I highly recommend: https://bridgetown.church/teachings/vision-series-2023/practicing-the-way-of-jesus
Its focus was on Mark 8:34-35, “Then He called the crowd to Him along with His disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me and for the gospel will save it.”
It was about how discipleship is an identity, who you become. Taking on, embodying your Rabbi, Jesus’ person. Practicing and doing, not just watching and listening. You have to participate.
In John, the disciples asked where Jesus was staying, in Hebrew, the word for stay is “meno”. Meno means to abide, remain, stay, dwell, BE PRESENT.
‘Come,’ He replied, ‘and you will see.’ And they went and spent the day with Him.
I felt like this is what the Lord was calling me to do. To meno WITH Him. How romantic. Invitation accepted!
Jesus will teach us to do everything but most of all, He wants us to be WITH Him.
The goal is to become love.
What matters in life is how we loved the people in our lives, the people who crossed our paths, not what we did / “works”.
The teaching described the “vicious cycle of a normal Christian”:
I’m newly inspired —> try harder —> guilt when I fail —> disillusionment that perpetuates —> one inspiring moment again —> repeat.
Ah yes, this is relatable. Guilt when I feel like I have failed, current disillusionment. Let’s not hit repeat.
As I drove listening and singing along to worship music, I sensed God tell me that He will love me if I go to Africa, or not, that He would love me just the same, either way. It brought tears to my eyes, even though I knew this was true, it was good to hear it from Him.
While running the next morning, God brought to mind when I was so sure that I was buying a condo (that was totally out of my price range) back in 2021 and how I did everything to prepare to purchase it and at the last minute it fell through. How angry I was, confused and depressed at the time.
Then, how on-fire my heart was about opening up a sober living house and all the work I put into that. The business plan, the insurance companies, creating the policy book, the research, financial planning, creating a name and logo. The time, effort and money for months and then poof! I lost the heart’s desire for it, it just left and I couldn’t force it back. I went on for months wondering if and when it would come back.. if down the road I would revisit it. I still haven’t and have no desire to. I felt guilty and embarrassed. God’s showing me the similarities.
My sister questioned whether or not I was being like Jonah by not going to Africa. When I spoke to her later that day, she suggested we may have been thinking about Jonah in the wrong way. What if I was running away from my purpose here? The potential hurricanes stopping my travel plans to Africa being like the storm God sent that cast him overboard. Maybe this is my 3 days in the belly of the whale.
“In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me.” Jonah 2:2
We will see where the Lord spits me out.
I spent hours reviewing my journals from South Africa and the months following, questioning myself about why I felt so led to go to South Africa. Looking at these journals nothing significant really stood out. It made me curious if it was more emotionally driven and not spiritual.
I kept hearing, “I don’t have to know anything because God knows everything.” The scripture from my devotional that day was 2 Chronicles 20:12:
“O our God… we do not know what to do, but we are looking to you for help.”
The South African I’ve remained in contact with, who is going through chemo, reached out to me. She said she doesn’t understand how she is supposed to serve God during this season of her life, that she feels useless and purposeless. I tried encouraging her that this season can look different, that maybe she can focus on abiding. That our value comes from being His, not from the works we do. We talked about the importance of slowing down, resting. Being more like Mary and less like Martha. It’s funny how all the things I said to her, I needed to be told myself. But isn’t that why we go through things, to help others?
On the 18th the verse of the day was Psalm 34:4, “I sought the Lord, He heard and He answered.”
A friend texted me in the morning saying Psalm 18 was giving him comfort.
Psalm 18:6 is, “In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears.”
I was thinking about how my plan for Africa was all based on “works”. I was going to be my roommate’s caregiver while she went through chemo, provide therapy to the congregation and kids at the school, run a Celebrate Recovery Step Study, volunteer at the church and in the community, take online classes, etc. I was leaving my busy, packed schedule in Ohio for a busy, packed schedule in Africa, what’s the difference? I am not doing anything different. Trying to earn my worth and prove my value, just across the world.
What was I longing for, wanting to get from my experience in Africa?
- A family of believers, feeling connected to a family
- Undistracted time, away from the world to be closer to God
- To be a part of a church, serve in my gifts
- Being wanted and needed, like I matter/ have value
- Having purpose, helping people in a more impactful way
- Seeing needs and being able to help fill them
- Christian counseling
- Evenings filled with community, worship, fellowship, serving, spending time with God
- Having a year to complete school
I thought I had to go to Africa to do or have all this. God has shown me recently that this is not the case.
I was sent the kids’ bible app devotional. It was on Mark 8:34-35. You’ve got to be kidding me!
Jesus isn’t asking us to do MORE. He’s asking us to SLOW DOWN and be IN relationship WITH Him.
Taking up your cross is laying down your strengths and weaknesses. It’s not about how much you DO but how much you love Jesus. To deny yourself, pick up your cross daily. Spending time with Him in relationship.
When I make my mind up about something, I have blinders on. I am on a mission. I feel like I can’t change my mind once I make a commitment. This has led to difficult seasons in my life, many times. I don’t like this about myself. I need to always remain open-minded and open-handed, allowing plans to change and seeking God’s will.
“The spiritual journey is punctuated with more failures than successes.” -Thomas Keating
It’s funny that the last tattoo I got was from Psalm 143:
“Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”
I got these tattoos to help keep my gaze on His word. “Be still and know that I am God” and “Spirit lead me”. On my right arm but obviously far from my mind.
Lord, thank You for Your grace and mercy. Renew my mind. Transform me into Your image and above all else, align my heart with the desires of Yours. Aren’t you glad we have a patient, kind God? I sure am. At a place of humility, I am and will try to remain.
Thanks for listening.
