Lizel is my friend in South Africa that I have been staying with for the past 2 weeks. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. She had her last chemotherapy appointment when we arrived and her surgery is scheduled for the day after we leave. I am so grateful for getting to spend these 3 weeks with her, during her short reprieve.
It’s been so comforting to fall asleep chatting with her and spending the mornings discussing scripture. I feel spoiled when she plays the piano while singing hymns. It’s been so sweet and will make leaving difficult.
She had a particularly rough night, we lied in bed while she shared her fears about her future. I felt like nothing I could say would help. In the morning I was reciting my scriptures out loud and I stopped at Romans 8:26. I told her I chose to memorize this one when I had a period of several weeks where I felt so disconnected that I couldn’t even pray. I didn’t know what to pray or how to pray, so I would say this verse and cry every time I recited it.
“Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered”.
Romans 8:26
She said that she wrote about this verse in her journal. She allowed me to read it. I asked if it would be okay if I shared it and she was kind enough to say yes.
This Journey
This journey is beyond question the most challenging that I have ever faced. Before I thought relationships with friends that take strange turns, were, and though they are tough, they do not challenge in the same way… This journey challenges me physically. I am weak and tired and not allowed to be active. It challenges me mentally… I realize that too much brain work also drains me, that weight loss at first was an issue and now the tables have turned and I realize that my gaining weight is another challenge and that what I once thought was a good weight now feels like overweight.. sometimes, too much my brain is quite mean with my heart telling me I’m lazy, should do more, am not friendly enough, not positive enough or better off isolating myself (for others’ sake).
It challenges me relationally because I cannot have as much contact with others. I constantly have to hold back the desire to welcome others with open arms, play catch with a friend’s toddler, attend social activities (because of the risk of exposure). In a way I’m in a personal COVID season.
It challenges me spiritually… At times reading The Word is too hard…I just read a few lines and the tears blur my vison so I can’t go on. Wet drops fall onto my precious Bible and I realize that now is not not a “feasting” it’s a “relieving”. Sometimes I’m too nauseas to even try to read The Word, sometimes too weak, sometimes too discouraged. Sometimes people ask me, “How do you fight in prayer?” Mhm… in the first place I am too tired and weak to “fight” and in the second place, “Am I even supposed to “fight”?” I love serving, I can’t like before. It both saddens me and makes me wonder if I shouldn’t put in more effort.
Oh and it challenges me emotionally as all the other areas have an influence on my emotions. Often I just have this deep wordless groan… it makes me think of Romans 8:26… (I wonder if my situation applies here). Sometimes it takes much effort to get out of bed. Sometimes I wonder “May I now not be beautiful in any area of my life?” Losing hair… skin break outs… weight changes… not getting my clothes to match with head coverings…having cuts on my body… so often this questions arises and then a still voice reminds me.. your heart.. oh but accepting that is hard too because sometimes my heart is not beautiful either.. it becomes angry, lacks patience, lacks the desire to be kind…
Sometimes disappointment comes banging on my door and I have to decide whether to let it sit outside and wait forever because I have faith that the disappointment is not mine or to open the door for it and cry at the reality of it all giving even that broken reality into the hands of the Comforter Whose promises endure beyond this life.
