The night after my second flight was canceled I had this odd, peaceful knowing that I might not be going to Africa. It was the first time that kind of a thought had crossed my mind since making my plans in April and it felt like a foreign thought, like it didn’t belong to me.
I questioned it. Why would God have brought me to this point for me not to go? As I sat with that thought, all of the decisions I have made, things I have done, experiences I had over the past 4 months wouldn’t have occurred if I didn’t think I was going to Africa.
I also felt, if this occurred- 3 flights being canceled in 3 days- that I needed to fast, pray and go into the woods.
It was a strange experience, but created an openness in me that, maybe I don’t know what God’s will is or what His plan is. When I woke up the next morning, saying good-bye to Baxter, walking out of my condo and the drive with my sister and friend, it all seemed pretend. Almost like I knew in my spirit this wasn’t real.
I went through security, arrived at my gate and the flight was on-time, boarding in less than an hour. I thought, well I guess I am going to Africa after all! Last night was strange, but whatever!
I was in the last zone, had 3 people ahead of me, I was last to board the plane. I was praying that God would open doors no man could shut and close doors no man could open. Then mid-prayer I looked up and saw them de-boarding the plane. The attendant announced, “I am afraid. I don’t know what’s going on. The flight is delayed 2 hours.” Then she left. I was like, what!?!
I knew I had a 5 hour layover in Newark so I would still be okay. But I did question, is this a sign? Should I cancel my trip? I didn’t. I sat there and waited.
Within a half hour they made another announcement that the flight was being delayed further. I started aimlessly walking around the airport, feeling lost and confused. I found a spot to sit and read Psalm 91. I tried reaching out to 2 of the pastors from my church but they weren’t available. I asked myself, what are you doing Kristen? You’re looking for permission. The only person you should be seeking right now is the Lord. I closed my eyes and prayed, Lord, what do you want me to do? Before that full sentence left my mouth I heard, “Go home.” This is one of 3 times in my life He has answered me mid-sentence. Interrupt me more often God, I like the quick response!
I went to the gate and requested my baggage. I sat on the floor across from baggage claim, still questioning if this was right. Then up popped the notification that my flight was canceled.
As I headed home I felt peace but also confusion.
After 48 hours of fasting, praying, going into the woods, I would like to share that I have major clarity, but I don’t.
When I was in the woods I was staring at the ground as I walked. When I raised my head, standing in front of me was a huge buck. We stared at each other. I stood there and decided I would stand there and stare back at him until he left. We stood there for awhile, like a freakishly long amount of time. I could feel my heart beat heavy in my chest, which is often how I experience the presence of the Holy Spirit and I felt like God was looking at me, seeing me. I heard, “be still.” Then he walked away.
As I headed to my car I was thinking, that’s not the end of the sentence. It’s the first verse I memorized and the first scripture tattoo I got.
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
I realized the last time I felt this way, confused and lost about the direction to take in my life, thinking I knew God’s will but being completely wrong, this is the verse He whispered to me. How intentional and sweet. What He told me before, He is telling me again. He is God. He is in control. All I need to do, is be still.
In terms of Africa. All I know right now is:
1. If I do go, it will be after November 1st
2. It will be less than a year.
I will post another update when I know anything further.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
