Throughout my life, my main illusion of control was with my body. The desired outcome may have been different at various stages of my life, ranging from male attention, proving my worthiness or value, physical health, longevity, or peak fitness. What they all had in common was that if I ate a certain way, exercised a certain amount, disciplined my body, then I could feel good, look good, live long and have a better quality of life. My contentment was tied to this formula working as it should.
Ironically, looking back over my life, in the moment I thought it was working, which is part of the illusion. In reality, I see now that it never worked. I struggled to maintain the attention of the man in my life, I had digestive issues, and food restrictions led to complications for me later on. I never ate a balanced diet as my body needed- but out of fear of weight gain or desire for muscle gain- I would consume too much of one thing or not enough of another. I experienced physical injuries from not exercising properly- trying to push myself to do things my body wasn’t ready for.
All of this, in efforts to control. When I really break down what this control is about, underneath is a feeling of safety, security and predictability. I was afraid of losing control, becoming undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, because then I wouldn’t be content.
What I eventually learned is that life is not a formula. I can do all the “right” things and bad things can still happen. The illusion of control of my body has always been challenged, but my reaction to being challenged has always been my stubbornness.
God will keep teaching us a lesson until we finally learn it.
I’ve experienced the humility of that throughout my life in more ways than I’d want to admit. I’d prefer to learn the lesson after the first time, but I guess my pride gets in the way of that, and I just decide to be miserable longer.
Recently, I have been faced with this lesson again. But God has taken a new approach to teaching it to me. I wonder if He was like… how can I really just take all this control Kristen thinks she has away from her, so she really learns this time? Hmmmm… I’ll put a baby in her!!
Touché.
I’ve eaten things I would have never allowed myself to eat since childhood. My routine is completely thrown off. I’m not capable of working out or running like I want to. No control over my sleep, no matter what I try. MY plan of navigating this transition to David returning to full time ministry was that I would just be a work horse, increasing my hours. Forget that. I hardly can keep up with my normal schedule!
I’m learning to actually listen to my body, realizing what it needs versus forcing it to do what I want. The impact on my eating, exercise, sleep and work schedule have definitely challenged me. But honestly, the hardest part has been that my time with the Lord isn’t the same. And also, my attitude sometimes really stinks.
It really opened my eyes to how this illusion of control has woven its way through all aspects of my life. I have believed that in order to please God and to live in a godly way, I have to spend a certain amount of time with God each day and have a certain experience with Him. I have also believed in order to be an effective therapist, I need to show up with the right amount of energy and a positive, uplifting attitude.
When I am rolling out of bed 2 hours later than I usually do, my time with the Lord is cut way short and not satisfying. I feel sick, I’m not put together, I haven’t slept, have no energy- I am left with nothing.
I cry on the way to work, begging the Lord in prayer to provide for me energy to get through the day, to speak through me to my clients, because I don’t have anything to offer.
Then, God shows up.
I get through my work day, it goes reasonably well. I see God answering prayers throughout the day. It’s been extremely frustrating when my prayers for rest or to not have nausea don’t get answered day after day, week after week. Being scared, will this ever end? How much longer can I do this? Crying in exhaustion, wanting a reprieve.
I realize this experience has placed me in a position of being 100 percent dependent on God. I needed Him in every way. I was desperate for Him. At the end of the day, I can’t look back and say, “Oh because Kristen did x, y and z, the outcome was good.” No. Kristen did nothing, but pray. God did the rest.
That was a 2-months-long lesson. I definitely was not often a good student. I am reading James 1, and I have not been counting these trials as joy. But, it has been a testing of my faith and it is creating steadfastness. I know this pregnancy will come with more trials to test me.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
James 1:2-4
I hadn’t viewed my self-sufficiency and control as pride. I see now that I was relying on myself as my own provider. Pride is a subtle and dangerous inhibitor of steadfastness. My self-sufficiency acts like a wall, preventing endurance from doing its work. It keeps me from a place of full surrender because my roots aren’t fully planted in faith. I am trying to steer the boat myself while asking God to be the captain.
Last week at the ultrasound, when I was able to see our baby kicking around in my womb, the experience of joy filled my heart. I imagine that is what arriving at heaven’s gate will be like. All the suffering and trials of this world, then we catch a glimpse of our Father and realize all of the suffering is worth the joy. I knew I needed a Psalm to work on memorizing during this season. I picked Psalm 27.
“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.”
Psalm 27:4
This psalm goes on to remind me that He hides me in His shelter, He conceals me under the cover of His tent and lifts me high. It challenges me to offer sacrifices of joy and praise. He wants us to seek His face. The psalm ends with,
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
Psalm 27:13-14
Holding our baby in my arms will be an example of me getting to look upon the goodness of the Lord.
In the meantime I need to be strong and take courage.
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Yes sometimes God has had to hit me with a brick to remind me who is in control! Glad God used a fetus and not a brick to show you. Imagine this time as a tandem bike ride with God. God is in the front steering, leading, pedaling. you have your part to help keep the balance and pedal when you can, enjoy the ride God is in control and the best is still to come!